10 things I miss about America: Paris edition

1. the Dollar
It is the fact that, from my bank’s point of view, if something costs 40 dollars, it costs $40. Here, 40 is actually $55. That’s not what I call a Soldes, France, that’s what I call a scam.
Not only do you make things seem cheap when they’re actually retail price, but you give me coins that I am so willing to throw in the donation basket at church to later discover that I hadn’t donated 50 cents, but 4 euro. Seriously, 2 euro coins are completely unnecessary, and paper is much more efficient and light in my wallet than 20 euro in coins.
When I get home I will salute American dollars like they’re the flag.

Stairs leading up to the organ in Saint Sulpice. At least
the music can cover up the sound of your dizzy vomiting.

2. Straight Staircases
Everyone thinks swirly staircases are so pretty and romantic.

“When I grow up, I’m going to have them in my house.” 

I am guilty of saying this, but now that I actually do live with them, in my dorm and in every building I go to in this city, I forcibly retract that statement. They make you dizzy, winding and spinning as you ascend and descend, and since they rotate around one central point, each step has a smallest, inaccessible point, and a section that you can actually consider a stair. Naturally, everyone flocks to the outer stair that can actually be used and creates traffic.

Nothing is straight about Paris.

3. Jeans
For some reason, jeans never made it out of the wild west that is America. I don’t see why they are so opposed and what makes stockings and skirts so much more appealing on the daily basis. When we wear jeans in a group, we are basically emanating the Star Spangled Banner. I try to get myself to go the legging route, but sometimes nothing compares to buttoning yourself into some blue dyed cotton. I get the whole fashion thing, but jeans can be hot if worn correctly, too. They don’t know what they’re missing.

Wine is also an acceptable alternative to water.

4. Water
Pure, filtered, bottled water that tastes like nothing instead of everything. I don’t need minerals in my water. Water is supposed to be absolutely nothing. Sadly I have had to resort to drinking Coca Cola Light to quench my thirst when it gets to a point when the water starts resembling what I would imagine urine tastes like. Too crude? Sorry. Send me some Aquafina and I’ll be a little more content with hydration.

5. Dunkin' Donuts
America runs on Dunkin. Turns out, so do I. I do enjoy the coffee in a bowl that I have every morning with, what else, a baguette. But sometimes, on Fridays for instance when I don’t get offered my coffee bowl and baguette, I just want to go to Dunkin, get a medium iced vanilla latte and a boston crème donut. France squashed that REAL QUICK. Not like I am at all complaining about resorting to crepes, but it’s still the delectability of 89 cent donuts that makes me very homesick.

There are Starbucks, but that’s not even affordable in American dollars.

This would have looked so great in the Earlybird filter.
For right now, we have to look at it with Canon Autoflash.

6. my iPhone
I don’t even know why I would need to explain this, but let’s start with the simple fact that I haven’t made a phone call since I’ve been here. I have to wait until I get back to my laptop to check facebook, can’t update people on my whereabouts via clever tweets, when I’m lost I have to use subway maps to help me navigate home, and when I see really cool things that I have artsy visions about I can’t Instagram them. It is a horror.

However, being without it really gives me a sense of carefreeness. No need to worry about responding to texts that I really didn’t want to receive in the first place, or explaining to my parents I’ll be home in 10 minutes when I have absolutely no intention of coming home for another 2 hours. It’s freeing, but I really miss the little pop noise it makes when I slide to unlock. le sigh.

I'm pretty inclined to get on the De Vincenzo train.
Number 7 train, you are forever a mystery.

7. Phonics
America is a country that is very loud proud and concise. We say we are from UH-MER-I-CA because, we believe in a little thing called phonics. They don’t have that here. Think you’re going to Paris and French people will say, no no no, PAR-EE. Hmm.. pretty sure an S is actually included in that word, but we still get the idea.
When I am lucky enough to get on a metro train that tells us at which stop we are arriving, I am most unfortunate to not be able to decipher Coureuve by the announcement of “Qua-new.”
Oddly enough, the Parisian kids playing the board game Clue probably didn't have the trouble I did pronouncing Colonel Mustard. "Colonel" is one word which they pronounce every letter.

8. Loud People
You know, the ones on the subway who want the whole world to know how drunk they were last night. And the ones in the library blasting Drake through their headphones. You want to punch them in the face, but I guess that’s me missing the angry American in me that it provokes. Sometimes, silence is deafening. And when I want to say something and I just so happen to be on the metro, I don't want 25 pairs of french eyes grilling my jeans and dissecting my accent. This isn't church, it's transportation. Relax.

Obvz not interested, dude. Get your hand out of my photo.
The guy next to me posing... about as straight
as my hair when I take it out of a braid.

9. The Word NO
Shout out to the guy at the bar who wanted to intervene on my personal dance session. Stop trying to take my hand like we’re crossing the street. Especially since you look like my uncle.
Oh, and the guy who followed the group of 6 of us home just because someone said bonsoir. They take hello, but they don’t seem to take AU REVOIR. Bonsoir, you creep.
Sorry France, I understand you guys are a lot more committed than we are when it comes to unisex socialization, but realize Americans are not having it. We can talk to people and not want to marry them…


10. Deodorant
While they’re all too busy constricting their tracheas with scarves, we’re gasping for air due to the body odor. This, I really don’t understand. This is supposedly the city which invented perfume, but that must be for reasons contrary to what the rest of us think perfume is for. It is not to mask scents, but to enhance them. There is no masking BO without the help of a little Speed Stick. To be completely honest, maybe we wouldn’t have to "no" you guys so often if you were conscious of the effect you have on our nostrils. You could learn a thing or two from us Americans… we may be fat and stupid, we are at least not smelly.

and WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. No matter what you say...